State of the Union Redressed

This amused me greatly:

Imported from another blog

And so, without further ado, the political-speak to snark translation of the State of the Union, or as I prefer to think of it this year: State of the Union: Seriously?!

BUSH: Dick, Denny, Congresscritters, minions of mine on the Supreme Court, distinguished guests, diplomat-types…

DIPLOMATS: *wake up* Huh? Why are we getting a shout-out?

BUSH: And the rest of America who is just tuning into the fact that I'm on pretty much every channel that's not showing American Idol. And frankly it's a coin toss to decide which option is more painful.

Anyway, tonight we have to rearrange my State of the Union opening because Coretta Scott King died today and if I don't mention it I'm a cold callous bastard. So let's all give a round of applause to Coretta Scott King, who's been reunited with her husband Martin Luther King, Jr., now, okay?

CONGRESS: *standing ovation*

BUSH: Now that that's out of the way, back to my speech. Every time I come up to this rostrum—see, I know it's called a rostrum now. Thanks, Denny, for that word-a-day calendar for Christmas—I'm humbled in an incredibly unhumble way. We've gathered together in this Capitol for times of national tragedy and of great achievement. I can't think of when the achievement was, but I've been assured that we've had some by my handlers, so I'm just going to press on here. But the important thing is that I've been there for these last six years. It's all about me. Yup. None of the 200 plus years of achievement that have occurred in the Capitol matter before me. It's all about me tonight.

CONGRESS: Oh God. It's going to be unbearable tonight, isn't it? *gets out crossword puzzles early*


The whole shebang