Monday, October 02, 2006

An Open Letter to Donald Rumsfeld

I wrote this back in April but I never could the oversize gummy bears I was going to use to illustrate it. So if you could just imagine oversized gummi bears with gummi guts and armed with cocktail swords you'll be on par with my (and I use this term very loosely) "vision".

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld,

I recently read your article in the Washington post and I can say that I for one always had you pegged as a pragmatist rather than an eternal optimist. I am of course discounting the possibilities that you are A: a pragmatist who is completely delusional. B: actually have no clue as to what is happening in Iraq other than what certain aides, advisors, and defense contractors tell you which would make you a total tool. And I’m fairly certain you aren’t a total tool. Recently there have been numerous calls for your resignation due to what many believe to be mismanagement of the war in Iraq. I am, however, not among those.

I too believe that you have grossly mishandled the war in Iraq by:

1: Expecting 122,000 US troops to secure the entire country when your Generals said they need a force three times that size which in turn lead to the looting of Baghdad which has armed and financed Bathists and insurgents alike. This in turn led to an unimaginable increase in the amount of time, money, and lives that have been spent there.

2: Expecting the Kurds to join the US troops in liberating Iraq. After all Saddam Hussein gassed them only after an uprising we instigated but failed to support.

3: Cutting the State Dept totally out of post war reconstruction.

4: Failure to allow Iraqi police to be trained outside of Iraq in safety by non-coalition countries.

5: Your continuing failure to be honest with the American people about the situation in Iraq and the amount of time, lives, and resources that would be needed to secure a free and stable Iraq.

While others might add additional charges to that list, my list can all be directly attributed directly to your decisions alone. You have turned what was a decisive quick victory into a total clusterfuck. And whether by hubris or incompetence you have failed and then mislead, misdirected, and probably outright lied to the American people. In doing so you have dishonored your office, the American people, and the troops at your command.

Many rightfully call for your resignation and others call for you to be fired so that someone better suited to complete the mission can take charge. However, you have served your country both in the military and in public office. You have chosen to be a warrior. And so I call upon you to publicly apologize to America and then regain your honor according to the warrior’s code of Bushido. In other words, I call upon you to commit Seppuku (aka Hari Kiri).

Ordinarily I wouldn’t call for such an extreme measure however your habit of taking liberties with the truth makes it hard for me and many others to believe anything you say. And I feel that if you rammed a sharp piece of steel through your gullet and swished it around some on network TV (or even pay per view as we could use the proceeds to help offset the deficit or aid the families of fallen vertans) it would really work wonders for your credibility and add a lot of sincerity to your apology. (Also please be sure to set this up ahead of time with the networks so that your redemption is listed in TV Guide so I can set my TiVo)

“In the world of the warrior, seppuku was a deed of bravery that was admirable in a warrior who knew he was defeated, disgraced, or mortally wounded. It meant that he could end his days with his transgressions wiped away and with his reputation not merely intact but actually enhanced.” - Wikipedia

Now I realize that you’re not of Japanese descent so ritualized suicide may not exactly run in your blood. And while I am sure you loosely familiar with the concept you may be lacking specific knowledge about the actual process and so I have taken the liberty of making a set of instructions that will assist you in properly redeeming your honor by slitting your gizzard for all to see.

First you’ll need a short sword or very large knife. Traditionally seppuku was committed with a short swordy looking thing called a wazikashi. Since you’ll be wanting to dispatch yourself pretty quickly you’d have to get one from a sword master in Japan in theory. However I think that this would send the wrong message to the public and so a good “Made in America” solution would be a Bowie knife as they are approximately the same length.

Additionally you’ll need a second, meaning a pal, whose duty it will be to lop your head off so that you don’t suffer too much (traditionally called a Nogginator). I’m sure that Colin Powell would be all to happy to assist you in such an important matter. It’s your call. I’m just making suggestions here. Your second will need to be pretty handy with a sword and again because we don’t want to send the wrong message a vintage US cavalry saber would be an excellent weapon choice for your second.

First get on your knees

Then your partner gets behind you

Then you both “unsheathe your blades” (Sorry, I just couldn’t resist the quotes. I know its juvenile.)

Hold the blade of the Bowie knife with both hands and drive it into your stomach.
(Its important not to go crazy here, as you don’t want it poking out your backside)

Make a quick left to right cut followed by a quick upward one
(This will make a amazingly disgusting mess so don’t look.)

Now your compadre will mercifully begin a downward stroke with his sword which would then be followed by a muffled thud as your head hits the floor. (You’ll probably actually get to hear it. Is that like creepy cool or what?)

And presto! You’re instantly a hero to all!

Or you could just stop blowing smoke up America’s ass and do the damn job right. Whichever you prefer. Thank you for your time and attention.